ok, time for a dream analysis please....

.....a couple of weeks ago i had a dream that someone gave me a set of twins.  newborn twins.  a boy and a girl.  i don't know who it was that gave them to me but all i could remember thinking was......do i really want more babies???  i felt guilty for keeping them bc i have a friend at work that's been trying to get pregnant for a while now without any luck.  i thought....i should give her the babies or atleast one of them.  anyways, i end up keeping them.  in my dream i take them to this surprise birthday party for a friend.  the party is outside @ this beautiful park.  after a couple of hours at the party, i can't find the babies.  i'm thinking to myself....how could i have lost the babies???  it's not like they could've crawled away from me or anything...they're newborns for pete's sake.  so much in dreams doesn't make sense.  i end up frantically searching for them and finally find them.  guess where.  ughhhh....face down in a pond!!!  they're blue and their little gowns are floating around them.  i'm thinking...oh i should've given them to christy!!!  i grab them out of the water and then i enter the "twilight  zone".....you know that place where you still have one foot in your dream and one foot in reality.  i was conscious enough to tell myself this is only a dream.  don't panic!  i refused to let those babies be dead.  so i forced myself to go back to an earlier part of the dream when they were still alive.  this time i was gonna keep my eye on them.  and then i woke up.....


.......fast forward to yesterday.  i had a dream that i went to see a friend in new jersey.  i had my kids, his kids and then two other little ones that i didn't know.  the little girl was blonde & maybe one or one & a half....old enough to toddle around.  the little boy was dark headed and maybe about three or four years old.  i was alone with them and for some crazy reason i fell asleep.  when i woke up the two little ones were gone.  i asked the other kids if they had seen where they went but they hadn't.  so, once again, the frantic search begins.  i run out of the house and they're having a party across the street with a bunch of little kids.  my two little missing ones are not at the party.  i turn around and there's a pond in the distance and you guessed it, i see the little girl's body floating on top of the water....face down.  i think GOD NO...not again and i start running.  as i'm running i enter the "twilight zone" again.  i start saying to myself over and over.....you don't have to do this...she doesn't have to be dead.....go back to the part of the dream when she was still alive....i grab her out of the water and then wake up.

this is a disturbing little dream pattern for me.  why on earth would i be dreaming about babies drowning???  i've had alot of what i like to call "panicky" dreams in the past.  these are always dreams that i get stuck in for hours.   looking for an emergency phone #,  looking for money to get back over the walt whitman bridge,  looking for a way to reattach my sons feet to his body,  crazy stupid dreams that i can't seem to get out of.  i had a dream once that i lost ryan in a crowd at a flee market and i search for hours & hours & hours for him and finally found him face down in a pond.  that was absolutely horrible.  these dreams i'm not getting stuck in though.  it's like when i get to the bad part i slip into some kind of awareness that it's only a dream & that i can change it.  i still don't like the subject matter though and think i could really do without all the babies dying.  not sure what it all means but i think i deal with that enough in reality.....

ughhhhhhh...........

........so the rush is on.  can you feel it????  did i say "ughhhhh" already???

Freckle Juice.......

......growing up, i was slam pack full of freckles and i hated every last one of them.  my brother and sister suffered the same fate.  we were a family full of freckles.  so when i was little and dreamed about what my future children would look like i always had a clear cut picture in my mind.  they would have brown hair, fair skin and of course be full of freckles.  i never thought to take into consideration what the father of my children might contribute to their looks.  so along comes christian.....he's got the dark hair but he's also got dark skin and absolutely NO freckles.  he didn't look like what i thought my kids would look like.   round two.....here comes samantha.  blonde hair, dark skin and a couple (and i mean just a couple) of freckles.  once again, not what i pictured.  my sisters kids are what i pictured my kids to look like.   of course her husband is also fair skin & freckled faced too so i guess that's makes a difference.  finally along comes ryan.  my sweet little ryan.  he is mine.  brown hair, fair skin and chock full of beautiful little freckles.  it's amazing how time changes our perspective on things.  i absolutely adore his freckles.  to me it looks just like God took out his freckle shaker and sprinkled perfect little freckles all across his cheeks.  how beautiful.........

this is the last one........

......promise.  no more graveyard pictures after this.  atleast for this week.  lol.  good thing it's friday.  i've always had a secret fascination with graveyards.  when i was little me, my sister, my brother and my one & only infamous cousin joey would sneak into the graveyard in clayton (that's in new jersey).  we would never vandalize anything or hurt anything but we would occasionally walk off with things that were left at the graves.  why???  idk.  we were kids.....unsupervised kids.  lol.  but i still love to explore graveyards.  it's not like i have some kind of fixation with dead people or anything.  i just like the history aspect of it.  it's like a 3D history book.  you can read about somebody that was born in the 1800's but it's not the same as standing in front of and touching the gravestone that was actually made for that person.  it's like touching the past.  call me wierd.  i know it doesn't fit the traditional definition of beauty but to me it is an eerie kind of beauty.......... 

Veteran's Day......

..........since today was veteran's day, i took the kids to their papaw's grave so they could put out a flag for him.  my father-in-law was a beautiful man.  i know you're not supposed to describe a man using the word beautiful but i honestly can't think of anything that fits him better.  he was beautiful and i miss him more than he'll ever know.  he was a man of God and it showed in every thing he did.   lloyd was a veteran of the United States Army.  he served God, his country and his family.  in a world where so many people don't like their inlaws, i consider myself blessed.  i couldn't be more proud to call Charles Lloyd Smith my father-in-law......